Kine Hjeldnes

This is writings from a songwriting singer with various instruments she can not play, a constantly spinning mind, two dogs, an unsatisfied need to sing her heart out which has lead to too much time on her hands.

A couple of days ago I felt so weird. Or actually I don’t know what I felt. That was the weird part. After almost thirty years I have now come to the point in life where I recognize my feelings, or at least that was what I thought, until a couple of days ago, when I felt a feeling but I didn’t know it’s name.

Now I know what I felt. I don’t feel it anymore. It got stuck in my throat, made my voice soar. Made my insides weak, so my skin grew thick. I know what I felt, and I don’t feel it anymore.

Now, a couple of days later, I know what I felt and I feel like writing a song about it. I wrote the lyrics down here because I’m practicing writing down lyrics first, for then to put a melody to it. If the song ever shows up, I guess I actually were able to do so, which I’m at this point seriously doubting.

Empty Shell’s are Dead

Ugly lies
Like eagle flies
In my skies

Restless bones
Heart like stone
You can’t hide

Glowing in darkness
You are glowing in darkness
With eyes hollow black
If your path would lead you back
to purity and pain
You can come back and put your hands around my neck
and run through my veins

Ugly lies
Like eagle flies
In my skies

You’re above my head
You’re the color red
You’re the smell of death

Cracks

I am growing out of my skin
There are cracks all over
I have let the demons out of my soul

I used to store them behind my heart
But that’s all over
Oh I can’t fear it no more

I am cutting myself on your knifes
I am resting in your chest
I am your blood
I am your blood

I’m twisting my brain and my heart trying to come up with unique lyrics and melodies, day in and day out. I’m barely eating. Barely sleeping. I’m low and I’m deeply insecure in the seconds before a melody takes it’s first steps, and then, when the wawes of sound hits my ears and the melody is running through my blood, I get so high. I fall madly in love. I forget everything else and my world becomes fiction. I add orchestras, choirs, pictures, smells, feelings. It’s my baby.

My music had a long journey before it became public. I’ve been singing my whole life, but mostly alone behind closed doors where no one could hear me. I was always longing for my voice to be heard, but I was too afraid. Now, when I finally have let go of my fear, I have found a friend in music instead of a sorrow, as it was before. I no longer care if I can’t have dinner everyday. If I can’t go out for a drink. If my clothes are old and worn out. My music isn’t exactly a gold mine. But I don’t care. I will give it all up, ‘cus one day I’ll make it.

I have a jealous guitar in the corner

So. It’s probably about time I write something. Hm… A lot of stuff’s been going on the last couples of months. I had my first live gig in October. It went really well. I was hysterically nervous but it didn’t have any effect on my guitar playing or voice, so I got great feeedback, and that made me really belive in myself. Full of self confidence I mailed my SoundCloud link around to a lot of places that I would like to play and to a lot of places where I thought my stuff would fit in. That didn’t go too well. The fact is, no one wants to hear me play. Bummer. So, these days I’m preparing an acoustic set for the streets… A street musician is what it all came down to in the end. Well, gotta pay my rent and feed my dogs. And I refuse to work with something else than music. REFUSE!

What can have helped make my economics go straight to hell, other than the fact that I refuse to work a “normal” job, is my addiction to instruments. I’ve bought a piano. I bought a piano without knowing how to play the piano. Yeah. So maybe I deserve to freeze my ass off in the streets, but it’s a goddamn beautiful piano and we have a really special connection. It’s the first thing I see when I wake up in the morning/day/evening (my rythm is a little off) and it makes my life worth living. Insane? Yes. Much.

I’ve done a lot of experimental songwriting/composing lately. Been into the darker stuff for a while, but got so tired of just posting my popsongs on to SC, so now I’m showing a little of everything I do on my ‘Cloud, and that makes me want to do it even more.

I also have some intresting collaborations going on at the moment, so stay tuned.

Love.

I’ve been wandering restless in the streets, itching like hell and tearing the hair out of my scalp while I’ve been screaming for INTERNET! Yes, I have moved to Oslo and been without internet for five weeks. As an internet addict it has not only been extremely boring, it nearly killed me. And ruined me. Where to pay my bills? Where to live my life?? I’m serious, if there’s some Gods out there, none of you leave me stearing at the message “Sorry, we could not find this page.” EVER again.

When that’s said, this little pause from effective procrastination on the world web, didn’t only leave me cut off from the world, it left me highly creative. I’ve been writing, singing, playing, drawing, dancing. I have no curtains, so the neighbors must have had a lovely introduction and a great first impression of the crazy playing-all-kinds-of-silly-instruments-and-dancing-with-her-dogs lady. I was also a little worried that my nextdoor neighbors might think that singing in the middle of the night wasn’t such a great idea as I thought, until they had a party with a DJ and 150 guests. One of them felt free to take a shit in our stairway. I will wake them up every Sunday morning practicing pieces on my piano (which I hope to get soon) as long as they live here.

Oops, I went of track.

All this creativity has resulted in a whole lot of useless songs, but also a few good ones. I’ve thrown out a whole bunch for you on my cloud. If I should say something about them, and I probably should since I’ve been claiming to write about songwriting, I’ll start with Black Hole. Here I’ve been quite experimental with the soundscape. The song came to me while I was in between, trying to sleep. The lyrics just appeard as already written, as a story I knew well. I sat down with my guitar, picked some tones in a chord I don’t know the name of, sung it a few times over that one chord and instantly new that this is how I’m going to do it. I played the tones muted with my fingers directly on the fret, looped it and put a very simple bass on. I made the bass sound dirty so it would be easy to distinguish from the clean guitar “picking”. I added some rather dissonant backing vocals before I did my SFX. I’m trying to simulate a rocket take off and piercing into space. Haha. The rocket take off sound is me tapping my fingers on the mic and the piercing into space is me sucking in air as if it was a cup of tea. The track is 100% acoustic. It came out a little wierd, but that’s just how I like it. I would love to hear it produced by someone who knows what they’re doing.

I suppose I could also tell you about the making of I can not be here. I write a lot of poems. One day I was just fooling around with my instruments, looping guitars, playing clarinet and “piano” on my midi-keyboard. All of the sudden it sounded kind of jazzy cool, so I added some backing vocals and sung my poem over it. Ta-da! I new song was born. I have not been able to finnish it because my clumsy sister came to visit me and dropped my clarinet like a pillow to the floor, except it wasn’t a pillow, it was a clarinet and it broke. Nothing that can’t be fixed, though.

Yup, I think I will leave you with that.